some how i feel like i can't think straight or focus on anything cause the past always haunts me and i feel as if i need to end it but i don't know how. i feel like there's a scar in me that can't be healed i mean its painful to feel this way but i don't know, not even my therapist can help me cause i don't feel any connections or trust on my therapist. the reason i don't trust my therapist or the past few ones that i had cause they would always misguide me or they would give me and my mom a hard time but most of them were there for the money but there was one therapist that was very good to me and he helped me out for 3 year but then he retires and i had to get a new therapist but this one was very depressing and every time i came to his office he would keep it dark in there and i was like this guy sucks but what am i going to do
. i just wish i can find a new friend to connect with either if its a male or female but mostly female but yeah. i just want to just end it but at the same time i don't want to but i don't know. i just want to talk to hannah reca but she stopped talking to me and i don't even know why. i also want to yell at dara for sending me that hurtful email and tell her how that messed me up and stuff and for Michelle Miginnis i don't even fucking know if we're friends anymore so i'm just going to leave it alone and not even bother with her. bri well she was a big disappointment for me and my mom but what ever and for kelly who broke up with me the next day when we hook up so i can't really call her my ex but any who i stop caring about her cause she fucking dumps me for no reason so i don't see her as a friend or anything so what ever. i can't even talk to my dad about how i feel or what goes on in my mind cause he's alway saying that i'm not a man or picking on me cause of my weight i mean that guy doesn't like the things i where and he gets pissed off about it and i can't take him and more and he's always say that my mom is an idiot or stupid and it just pisses me off cause my mom has been there for me through my whole life and yeah we have our arguments but i still love her and she's the only family that i can trust and my sister as well and they're all i have but my dad or my moms family or my dads fathers family were never there for me, i mean they don't even give a fuck me or my family. but i just take it anymore i just want a hug or something cause it hurts and i want to be loved by someone and i'm sorry that i have been sad lately but i don't know what to do anymore i can't even go to bed in peace so i stay up til morning and not go to sleep. any who before i leave i would like to say a few thing to some people, to hannah reca what ever is going on in your life i'm sorry i wish i can help you since we last talk and i'm sorry that your ex broke your heart i really am so if you ever see this please contact me cause i miss you very much. as for dara i would like to say what you did was very ugly and wrong and yeah i did an artwork about satan and other stuff but that doesn't give you that right to hurt me, you know you may be beautiful on the out side but that email you sent me shows me how ugly you are inside of you but i will forgive you for what you did so if you see this well i don't give a fuck what you do or say to me thats your problem. so thats it see ya.